Some might say that I totally live in the past, just like Hugh Grant's character, singer and songwriter Alex Fletcher in Music and Lyrics... but then I don't. I just refuse to forget... It seems that I can really remember previous significant events of life but almost everybody will remember... In my case, everything is significant, my first storybook, my first day of kindergarten, my first day of school, my first best buddies during Convent primary school years, my first crush when I moved to another primary school (ooppps... can't tell where.... it's tooooo dangerous!!!), etc, etc, etc.

Alhamdulillah, I should be grateful to Allah for His blessings and best gifts, alhamdulillah, my memory is good that I can remember a lot of things in life. Some say (or many say huhuhu...) that I take things seriously and too seriously sometimes (or is it most of the times huhu...). If you tell me these things about 15 years ago, I will definitely sulk and refuse to talk for quite some time... but now I readily accept that I am a very passionate person, I take things seriously and too seriously sometimes. But then again, it's a habit that I cannot simply discard to the garbage bin, it's partly training from my parents. Not that I blame them for this, I am thankful to them for their training because I know, a person may have his or her added values or flaws. I'm not perfect. So this 'thing' in me, it can be an advantage or a disadvantage, depending on how I run my 'check and balance'.

Oh dear, I've got carried away again... hahaha, but this is my blog, my writing, I can do whatever I want, yes whatever I want as long as I don't touch any sensitive issues!  (I'm sure my students will say, here she goes again.... hahaha) Who cares about cohesion and coherence, or mechanics? As long as you can make sense of what I've written, that's fine...

Actually, today, I've got a bit bored over my readings and suddenly I miss all the old local nasheed songs - The Zikr, Raihan, Hijjaz, Brothers, NowSeeHeart, Saujana and In-Team. This suddenly started this early morning after fajr prayer when out of nowhere, I blurted out some phrases from Hijjaz's Puteriku Sayang.  After Raihan lost two of its prominent members (first Allahyarham Zarie, may peace be upon his soul and later Nazrey, when he decided to go solo as freelance 'daie'), and after nasheed songs become almost identical to pop songs (I'm referring to the melody, not lyrics but then again, some nasheed songs have also chosen 'love' themes - husband and wife kinda theme... ), I start backing off slowly from local nasheed. Ten years ago, my interpretation of nasheed songs are songs that contain words of worships (zikr) to Allah al-Mighty as well as 'solawat' to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) or Islamic anecdotes - Ashabul Kahfi by Raihan or words of advice - Mari Bersolat, 25 Rasul, Keluarga Bahagia etc, etc, etc.

So today, after Zuhr prayer, I sat in front of my notebook and began googling the songs... before this I didn't manage to find any, maybe my search went wrong, but today, alhamdulillah, Allah grant my wishes and I downloaded a lot of songs... Ten years ago, I bought cassettes and since I've also lost my CDs, these downloaded songs are enough to cure my homesickness to my favourite nasheed songs. I had tears in my eyes when I finally listened again to Puji-Pujian, Damba Cinta Mu, Wahyu Pertama, Ashabul Kahfi, Rayuan Rindu and Selamat Berjuang. When I listened to Merancang Kerja and Puteriku Sayang, I was brought back to 1999 and also 2002. In 1999, I was still in one of the IPTAs and a girls-nasheed group from my college entered a nasheed competition for siswi. The group was awarded Fourth place, (this I don't really remember, but I do remember some incidents that led to some misunderstandings... I'm afraid I  have to choose to forget this... I must let go... ) and then later in 2002, my block in one of the siswi colleges in Shah Alam, entered a nasheed competition (I was one of the coaches) singing Akrab Persahabatan and also Puteriku Sayang. Alhamdulillah, after countless efforts, we won first place. When the tune of Damba Cinta Mu filled the air in my flat, I was again surrounded with sweet memories of halaqah that I had with my sisters back in Malaysia... Kem Pemantapan Syakhsiah, iftar jamaie... I miss them all... Some of the songs also inspire cerpen writing... Yes, I began writing short stories in Malay dating from 1999 and suddenly in early 2004, I stopped... due to time constraints and many other unnecessary constraints and also... hmmm, this is very cliche - tak dak idea lah! One of the songs that inspires my writing is Siti Khadijah, sung by In-Team.

I must say that all these old nasheed songs, they come with bitter sweet memories, some that I wish I can simply forget for eternity, some that I wish to keep until the day I die. Unfortunately, I can still remember them all.... but now I'm telling myself that despite these memories in me, I must believe that I can free my heart and go on.... just like the Fruits Basket theme song:

For instance, even if today is painful,
And yesterday's wounds remain,
I want to believe that I can free my heart and go on...

Allah is Great. He is Most Forgiving... the Malay saying also says, "sedangkan nabi ampunkan umat..." I must also be forgiving and learn to also forgive myself for all the mistakes I've done....

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan kali ini, penuh makna, agar dapat kulalui dengan sempurna.... insyaAllah. Sahabat-sahabiah ku yang ku hormati dan kasihi, maafkan ku atas segala salah silap yang lalu dan doa kalian kupinta untuk kuteruskan perjalanan ini. Jazakumullahu khairan kathira.